Notes to Cindy: The Archives

Like the train in Alice, I can feel the brain damage accelerating as I move from place to place via the bus line. Arideth says it will all be ok. She says She'll bring the other's back. The Fragmentation System running as always makes an audible click in my brain. I'm seeing things that aren't there. Like earlier, this woman became a nun and for some reason, It occured to me that nuns might possibly be evil. I'm retracing some steps now in a sense. Treading over lost memories as new events sh...

Smoked a spliff with a stranger.
Stranger was Danger. 
Grabbed my bra and was angered
when i denied this limp wanker. 

When I got to the tent last night, the tent was flat to the ground. The bears tore a hole in the floor and snapped one of the tent poles. Everything was still dry after the first storm wave thanks to the tarp that Shayna got me. All that was left of the food was a package of dried almonds. I trecked back to Ingles to get some ducktape. On the way back, these two snooty berry pickers told me I shouldn't be here, after I told them what happened. They said, "WE have two families of bears up her...

There's a "Bermuda Triangle" in Fletcher. North Carolina, and right now, I'm living in it. It was poison that led me here- poison plants, poison creatures, poison water, poison places, poison people, a poison mind, a poison life made up of poison events.... I'm scared. I'm paranoid. I wish the poison would hurry up and kill me. After twenty-three years, It still hasn't and I'm afraid it never will.

So, here I sit, naked and vunerable, in the small jungle of Flecher Park, attempting to ...

My oppertune moment never came. Tomorrow morning, it will be too late. I have to proceed with the instinct to leave at night. So, tonight, after everyone has long been asleep, I'll leave. Regardless of direction, or weather, it MUST be tonight. NO exceptions.

Okay, I'll give this 12-16 more hours. I might be able to get a better feel of where to go if I go to the Welfare Department tomorrow.

Tonight was cancelled on account of rain, so another 12-16 hours it is. I keep looking f...

A Saturday... a day that used to mean no school, relaxing, taking time to go outside, watch television, indulge my imagination with pen and paper.... Today, I sit here, bored, lonely, trapped, in lack of nicotiine or the motivation to function. I've been here for seven days and I've yet to leave this house. I'm mustering the patience to wait until I can go to the library. I'm thinking about walking to Kenny's and asking for a ride into town. That should, in theory, cut my travel time by a fou...

Regardless of what I might tell myself, and what other people might say about her, I am still in love with Tamara Joan Laughter, aka Anya Tamira Straigya. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I need to get back to Hendersonville, before it's too late. I was an idiot for coming here. There's nothing for me here. No love, no friends, no work, no hope, no dreams- just empty, worthless, pointless, existence. I'll get myself back on the path I was on, one way or another. This path is wrong, un...

I thought it was fucking Spring, but here I am in this tiny tent at 2:30pm and it's colder than it was in the fall. Anya and I spent one last day together, after a night at Obie's, shopping for food, pitching the tent, and making love for what seems the last time. I spent three hours trying to get the computer to connect to the internet at Ingles, to no avail. I then took it to Anthony's, where I spent a couple of days talking to her. Even after offering to move the tent near her grandmother'...

My world has fallen apart.... We're expected out of here by the first of April. I have no where to go but the streets and Anya refuses to live in a tent again. With everything that has happened, to live apart is to break up. We've tried everyone and there isn't a roof for us to live under together anywhere. So, in a couple of days, I'll be going to the streets and she'll be going somewhere else. For the first time since February of last year, I will be completely alone, and this time without ...

Well, Anya's gone again. Stupid Tracfone takes off two minutes daily, whether or not I use the stupid thing, so after my and Anya's media splooge the other day, an argument, texts back and forth during her two days off of work at Manual Woodworkers, several brief Facebook checks, a brief conversation between me and Kenny, and me and dad, accidentally leaving the phone connected to the game store, service texts, and one final text from me to Anya, service is gone. Kenny can't pay the Xbox inte...

The binding in this thing is barely holding together, due to the pages that have been ripped out of it. This pen is barely writing due to the shortness of ink. My sanity is barely in tact due to paranoia and lack of trust. For the second time in my life, I'm having trouble distinguishing between thought and reality, past and present, lies and truth. For the first time, I understand the impact of lies, deceit, and secrets, on those around a person. I want so badly to trust Anya, but like me, s...

Jasper kicked us out. We lived with Anthony, Nick, and Izzy, for the rest of January. A few arguments were had, the worst one being when I found out she had unblocked DJ. We filled out several job applications, but in the end, Anthony stabbed us in the back by conspiring with Izzy to have us kicked out. We stayed with her highschool friends, Shane and Squeaky, for a night and got trashed, then moved in with her friend Kenny, about ten miles from where all the businesses are. After all we've d...

Anya came for Christmas. It started out fine, but I'm pretty sure it was because we were both intoxicated for the first few days. Then, once again, I caught her flirting with DJ. I tried talking to her about it without any success. Tonight, I once again snapped. We were walking towards Sonic and filling out applications, and it dawned on me that I was putting myself through hell for a cheating whore, which is completely stupid, so I walked back to Jasper's. We talked it out and I realized tha...

She tried to break up with me three more times before finally accepting that I want to be with her regardless of the pain and heartache. She even went on about temporarily breaking up. I've spent the last six days talking her out of this shit. Her mom offered for her to live there until she can get a car and a place, so whether or not she moves in depends on if her mom will extend the offer. Jasper is being a dick about letting me use his computer to fill out applications, and he won't get of...

Anya came and went. She threatened- no TRIED- to break up with me twice before finally confessing that she's involved with DJ, once even sexually, and that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Naturally, I am heartbroken and depressed, but I lover her and I know that we're meant to be together, regardless of the mistakes we make and how terrible those mistakes may be. She'll be moving in with me for a month to see if things can progress financially and emotionally. After this month, she'll be...

Well, wifi started working again, but now all the batteries are totally dead. Hopefully, Jasper gets his check and can get some more, because that little tease of talking to Anya again has made my depression and lonliness a hell of a lot worse. I need to sleep now, before it gets much colder.

The one day that Jasper actually goes to school, he not only logs out of his computer, but actually goes so far as turning it off. He knew I needed to use it and he knew that he wasn't going to use it, and the selfish prick just won't let me. I'm extremely pissed off right now. I slept into 3:30, because it's bad enough not having anything to do when there's actually someone here. Watching movies is getting old. Lack of contact with the outside world is becoming unbearable. I simply cannot li...

Not much to report today, I'm afraid. I left a note on Jasper's computer keyboard last night, explaining that I really needed to use the computer to explore other living arrangements. He just shrugged it off, however, and proceeded to play his games all day. I wrote another song last night, as well, and practiced vocals this morning. I then considered writing again, but decided to read for a while, instead. Afterwards, and since then actually, I've been watching Harry Potter. This is my third...

Well, I didn't end up writing or editing anything last night. Jasper woke me up at two in the morning to help him clean up cat shit. His cat, Oreo, decided to have a fit and peed and shit all over the placce. Even with half a can of Glade, the smell is still overwhelming. Feeling both sick and depressed, I slept the entire day away. Even now, I feel too shitty to write, but I've slept too long to continue sleeping, and there is nothing else to do. I'm struggling to cope. The physical symptoms...

Well, once again, Anya is gone. She stayed for ten days again. We mostly just watched Netflix and YouTube. The wifi is out, so I'm left to my thoughts with no source of entertainment or communication with the outside world. It's like being in the hospital again, except I'm permanently confined to my room without breaks. I have only pen and paper. This would be a good thing if I wasn't stricken with writer's block. There is so much I have to start, edit, or finish, but with no inspiration to s...