Notes to Cindy: The Archives

My oppertune moment never came. Tomorrow morning, it will be too late. I have to proceed with the instinct to leave at night. So, tonight, after everyone has long been asleep, I'll leave. Regardless of direction, or weather, it MUST be tonight. NO exceptions.

Okay, I'll give this 12-16 more hours. I might be able to get a better feel of where to go if I go to the Welfare Department tomorrow.

Tonight was cancelled on account of rain, so another 12-16 hours it is. I keep looking f...

A Saturday... a day that used to mean no school, relaxing, taking time to go outside, watch television, indulge my imagination with pen and paper.... Today, I sit here, bored, lonely, trapped, in lack of nicotiine or the motivation to function. I've been here for seven days and I've yet to leave this house. I'm mustering the patience to wait until I can go to the library. I'm thinking about walking to Kenny's and asking for a ride into town. That should, in theory, cut my travel time by a fou...

Regardless of what I might tell myself, and what other people might say about her, I am still in love with Tamara Joan Laughter, aka Anya Tamira Straigya. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I need to get back to Hendersonville, before it's too late. I was an idiot for coming here. There's nothing for me here. No love, no friends, no work, no hope, no dreams- just empty, worthless, pointless, existence. I'll get myself back on the path I was on, one way or another. This path is wrong, un...

I thought it was fucking Spring, but here I am in this tiny tent at 2:30pm and it's colder than it was in the fall. Anya and I spent one last day together, after a night at Obie's, shopping for food, pitching the tent, and making love for what seems the last time. I spent three hours trying to get the computer to connect to the internet at Ingles, to no avail. I then took it to Anthony's, where I spent a couple of days talking to her. Even after offering to move the tent near her grandmother'...

My world has fallen apart.... We're expected out of here by the first of April. I have no where to go but the streets and Anya refuses to live in a tent again. With everything that has happened, to live apart is to break up. We've tried everyone and there isn't a roof for us to live under together anywhere. So, in a couple of days, I'll be going to the streets and she'll be going somewhere else. For the first time since February of last year, I will be completely alone, and this time without ...

Well, Anya's gone again. Stupid Tracfone takes off two minutes daily, whether or not I use the stupid thing, so after my and Anya's media splooge the other day, an argument, texts back and forth during her two days off of work at Manual Woodworkers, several brief Facebook checks, a brief conversation between me and Kenny, and me and dad, accidentally leaving the phone connected to the game store, service texts, and one final text from me to Anya, service is gone. Kenny can't pay the Xbox inte...

The binding in this thing is barely holding together, due to the pages that have been ripped out of it. This pen is barely writing due to the shortness of ink. My sanity is barely in tact due to paranoia and lack of trust. For the second time in my life, I'm having trouble distinguishing between thought and reality, past and present, lies and truth. For the first time, I understand the impact of lies, deceit, and secrets, on those around a person. I want so badly to trust Anya, but like me, s...

Jasper kicked us out. We lived with Anthony, Nick, and Izzy, for the rest of January. A few arguments were had, the worst one being when I found out she had unblocked DJ. We filled out several job applications, but in the end, Anthony stabbed us in the back by conspiring with Izzy to have us kicked out. We stayed with her highschool friends, Shane and Squeaky, for a night and got trashed, then moved in with her friend Kenny, about ten miles from where all the businesses are. After all we've d...

Anya came for Christmas. It started out fine, but I'm pretty sure it was because we were both intoxicated for the first few days. Then, once again, I caught her flirting with DJ. I tried talking to her about it without any success. Tonight, I once again snapped. We were walking towards Sonic and filling out applications, and it dawned on me that I was putting myself through hell for a cheating whore, which is completely stupid, so I walked back to Jasper's. We talked it out and I realized tha...

She tried to break up with me three more times before finally accepting that I want to be with her regardless of the pain and heartache. She even went on about temporarily breaking up. I've spent the last six days talking her out of this shit. Her mom offered for her to live there until she can get a car and a place, so whether or not she moves in depends on if her mom will extend the offer. Jasper is being a dick about letting me use his computer to fill out applications, and he won't get of...

Anya came and went. She threatened- no TRIED- to break up with me twice before finally confessing that she's involved with DJ, once even sexually, and that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Naturally, I am heartbroken and depressed, but I lover her and I know that we're meant to be together, regardless of the mistakes we make and how terrible those mistakes may be. She'll be moving in with me for a month to see if things can progress financially and emotionally. After this month, she'll be...

Well, wifi started working again, but now all the batteries are totally dead. Hopefully, Jasper gets his check and can get some more, because that little tease of talking to Anya again has made my depression and lonliness a hell of a lot worse. I need to sleep now, before it gets much colder.

The one day that Jasper actually goes to school, he not only logs out of his computer, but actually goes so far as turning it off. He knew I needed to use it and he knew that he wasn't going to use it, and the selfish prick just won't let me. I'm extremely pissed off right now. I slept into 3:30, because it's bad enough not having anything to do when there's actually someone here. Watching movies is getting old. Lack of contact with the outside world is becoming unbearable. I simply cannot li...

Not much to report today, I'm afraid. I left a note on Jasper's computer keyboard last night, explaining that I really needed to use the computer to explore other living arrangements. He just shrugged it off, however, and proceeded to play his games all day. I wrote another song last night, as well, and practiced vocals this morning. I then considered writing again, but decided to read for a while, instead. Afterwards, and since then actually, I've been watching Harry Potter. This is my third...

Well, I didn't end up writing or editing anything last night. Jasper woke me up at two in the morning to help him clean up cat shit. His cat, Oreo, decided to have a fit and peed and shit all over the placce. Even with half a can of Glade, the smell is still overwhelming. Feeling both sick and depressed, I slept the entire day away. Even now, I feel too shitty to write, but I've slept too long to continue sleeping, and there is nothing else to do. I'm struggling to cope. The physical symptoms...

Well, once again, Anya is gone. She stayed for ten days again. We mostly just watched Netflix and YouTube. The wifi is out, so I'm left to my thoughts with no source of entertainment or communication with the outside world. It's like being in the hospital again, except I'm permanently confined to my room without breaks. I have only pen and paper. This would be a good thing if I wasn't stricken with writer's block. There is so much I have to start, edit, or finish, but with no inspiration to s...

It wasn't long after the Halloween Party that things began to accelerate downwards. Anya had began flirting with a man named DJ. Despite by persistance, she continued to lie and assure me that there was nothing to worry about. I know better, obviously, and decided to check her phone while she was sleeping. What I discovered was not necessarily a surprise, but a shock, nonetheless. They were complaining to each other about their respective partners and were having an affair. She was teasing hi...

Today is set to be busy: a job interview and a Halloween party. Although we have to wake up early this morning, I'm afraid that I cannot sleep. It is neither excitement nor nervousness that feeds my insomnia, but rather fear. The anxiety of Anya cheating on me and flirting with other guys is worse than ever. It doesn't take a genious to figure out that her hunger for attention is not satisfied with just me, and of course, she will lie and make excuses and blame it on my paranoia until she's b...

Well, after forty minutes, she just went to sleep. The thought that she just didn't care about our relationship once again clouded my mind. Thoroughly pissed, I got up, marked out the "Alex & Anya" inscription on our tent, and began writing: "Uneeded, Unwanted, Unloved, Not Worth Fighting For; Live alone, Die alone; Love doesn't exist; Rebel against all, but welcome the end; Life is for the weak; Death awaits us all; Fuck the dream- It's all just fantasy; Trust no one; I pray for death; I...

Tired. Thirsty. Angry. Depressed. Betrayed. Impatient. Irritable. Desperate. Hopeless. All of these things I am feeling and more. It's odd how much she hates Joey and is worried about me cheating when she's not much better than he is. What's really bad is that she does it for money and uses that as an excuse. After the talks that we've had, you would think that by now, she would know how much loyalty means to me and what it means. As she says, though, "You know I don't listen to anybody." Wel...