Notes to Cindy: The Archives

It wasn't long after the Halloween Party that things began to accelerate downwards. Anya had began flirting with a man named DJ. Despite by persistance, she continued to lie and assure me that there was nothing to worry about. I know better, obviously, and decided to check her phone while she was sleeping. What I discovered was not necessarily a surprise, but a shock, nonetheless. They were complaining to each other about their respective partners and were having an affair. She was teasing hi...

Today is set to be busy: a job interview and a Halloween party. Although we have to wake up early this morning, I'm afraid that I cannot sleep. It is neither excitement nor nervousness that feeds my insomnia, but rather fear. The anxiety of Anya cheating on me and flirting with other guys is worse than ever. It doesn't take a genious to figure out that her hunger for attention is not satisfied with just me, and of course, she will lie and make excuses and blame it on my paranoia until she's b...

Well, after forty minutes, she just went to sleep. The thought that she just didn't care about our relationship once again clouded my mind. Thoroughly pissed, I got up, marked out the "Alex & Anya" inscription on our tent, and began writing: "Uneeded, Unwanted, Unloved, Not Worth Fighting For; Live alone, Die alone; Love doesn't exist; Rebel against all, but welcome the end; Life is for the weak; Death awaits us all; Fuck the dream- It's all just fantasy; Trust no one; I pray for death; I...

Tired. Thirsty. Angry. Depressed. Betrayed. Impatient. Irritable. Desperate. Hopeless. All of these things I am feeling and more. It's odd how much she hates Joey and is worried about me cheating when she's not much better than he is. What's really bad is that she does it for money and uses that as an excuse. After the talks that we've had, you would think that by now, she would know how much loyalty means to me and what it means. As she says, though, "You know I don't listen to anybody." Wel...

The last week has been pretty busy. We stayed at Anya's friend, Sam's, for a few days to attend a White Chapel concert, then at Jasper's again for a few nights after that. We just got back today, and although there isn't much else to record, it was nice to just kick back for a week away from the tent. I guess you could say that it was kind of like a vacation, except that when normal people go on vacation, they might stay in a tent, and we left the tent to stay in a house. While at Jasper's, I...

As the days get colder, the nights get longer, and the strss becomes unbearable. We can't live like this much longer. Last night, my emotions once again overwhelmed me and forced me into the cold, leaving Anya by herself for two hours. Thankfully, I came to my senses and returned before the storm came. Only two hours of sleep blessed me before the thunder shook the valley where our tent resides. I spent the next seven hours tossing and turnin, unable to get warm. Anya does another shoot today...

It's been pretty slow the last couple of weeks. There still hasn't been any luck on jobs, although we did fill out applications at my grandmother's last Friday. Anya was supposed to get paid fifty dollars on her last photo shoot, but she got ripped off. A couple of things have caused my emotions to spiral since then. First, is when she was trying to talk some guy, named Travis, out of some money by flirting with him. She became sneaky and secretive, and I noticed some of the texts. There was ...

It's been hell for the last eighteen days. We've been struggling for food and I've had no luck even getting an interview. Anya hasn't even had a modeling job until tonight. The last one, on the twenty-fifth of August, wasn't even paid. Everyone has given up on me, except for Anya and the trouble is that everyone is giving up on her, because of her choice to stay with me. I had a long cry lastnight- the first since Ben's Uncle kicked me out and I spent the cold February night shivering beneath...

There is so much that I have left to say, yet time won't let me form the words. It laughs at me and digs my grave. It waits for me to eat the dirt. There once was purpose in my heart. I know that purpose to be true, but time will tear my life apart, before I've learned enough to lose. The fear is there, beside the time. They're shaking hands and making deals. I'm trapped within this fear of mine, which makes me doubt what once was real, but what is fiction to a brain that spends it's time ins...

Arguments are funny things in a loving relationship. Like normal arguments, there's crying, yelling, and hurtful words, but if you truly love the person and have matured enough, they strengthen your bond rather than weaken it. Anya and I have had many of these. Since meeting Sammy and Halo, I've realized through observation that when you do not truly love someone, but instead only certain things about them and how they make you feel some of the time, rather than everything about them and ever...

Holy shit! The last seven days have been nothing short of an adventure. My grandpa helped us find a spot to camp across the street from the mall and we ended up having to pitch the tent in the dark. Anya is getting used to the lifestyle. We met another couple who showed us some spots to fly signs and white-box. We’ve gotten drunk with them a few times. Their names are Halo and Sammy. Anya and I got pulled over for panhandling, but we were let off with a warning. This kid, Logan, called ...

Last night was our final night in the apartment. Our cat, Oliver, kept us both up most of the night. After dad and Joanna picked up our stuff, we went into town for a pizza and hung out outside of Ingles. Alyssa re-“liked” a comment I left in March/April and Tamara decided she didn’t want to be in my extensive list of “A’s”, so I can’t call her “Anya” anymore, which obviously sucks in the scheme of things. Maybe she’ll change her min...

With 2 days to go, I am still looking for a pump for the air mattress and with the dryer belt burnt out, and no newspaper for the dishes, we’re at standstill with packing. Last night, Tamara, whom I’m calling Anya, now, and I got into a fight. I was convinced she was going to leave me, so I had planned to jump off of a bridge, but thought better of it and ran to my grandparents. After discovering that Anya was not at home, my grandfather and I set out to look for her. Upon finding...

Well… my life just never ceases to be a roller coaster to hell. In short, I moved in with my mom, got a job at Walmart, got kicked out, and then met a 22 year-old girl named Tamara. I quit my job at Walmart, bought a bunch of survival gear, and went out on the road. I got picked up by a brilliant con-man, partied in Charleston, went to Florida, and rode a bus back to Asheville. All of this, I did to meet this girl in person. In a second attempt, I moved in with Benjamin Flynn from Broug...

Last night was eventful. This morning even more so. The social worker came to speak to me last night. I told her about CJ sexually harassing me and the glass he had in his room. CJ was, shortly thereafter, moved to the otherside of the ward. Jason and a new boy, Jake, moved oveer to my hall. At about twenty-three-thirty I was moved to the short hall. This morning was okay. Then in the middle of scroggs we were all called back to the ward- EVERYONE! We were all searched. They're still searchin...

Today was excellent for the most part. I spent two hours sitting right beside Nay! We skipped the last two classes for Chrismas Social. She told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She said she wanted our first kiss for Christmas. I gave her the note I wrote last night. She was busy tucking it in her bra, behind a folder, and unaware of what exactly she was doing, I tore the folder away. Oh, it was hilarious! I'm sure it would have been extremely embarassing if anyone had see...

Yes, triple digits suck. I figured I throw that out there. I got to spend time with Nay in fourth period. That was beyond pleasurable. She told her dad about me and read him one of my songs. He said I was every-dad's worst nightmare. Ha! Cody gave me a note to pass to Nay, which of course, I've read. I've included my own input both in my head and on paper in the brackets:

 

"Natalie, I promised to tell you my story, but that's another letter entirely. So instead, allow...

After lastnight's entry, I would assume that it's perfectly understandable to not want to wake up, or even consider that the possibility of it exists. I had Treatment Team. Nothing much there. I should be leaving in January. Nay's off one-to-one! Yay! I can't wait to see her tomorrow, without her shadow, once again! It does lift my spirits! Daniel and Isaiah are both on one-to-one. Isaiah actually wanted it! Another Zack is in our midst. He's a tad cooler, though. Cody vaguely confirmed my wo...

I fell asleep at around eight lastnight. What I missed I'm grateful to miss, for I would have never fallen asleep afterwards. That was a peaceful and blissful oblivion of transient coma. Cody came back. Yes, and a nurse asked me this morning about elopement. I told him that we never planned elopement, but Cody had had some glass. I didn't know he was here then. CJ bit me. I hate being bitten. It stis my brain too much. I think I'm going to walk around for a while. We're on the courtyard. I'll...

It's another Fun Friday without her. Only CJ, D Anne, a new girl, and I were there. I sent in the invitation. Just from what little I've told him, he already seems pretty excited! This is good. I need excitement. Nay is still on one-to-one. I told De Anne to forward my love and greetings to her. Seth is going into a jealous phase again. I told him about the mission plan. Though he disagreed with it, he still promised to stay out of the way. I talked to the psychologist today, for the first ti...