Notes to Cindy: The Archives

It wasn't long after the Halloween Party that things began to accelerate downwards. Anya had began flirting with a man named DJ. Despite by persistance, she continued to lie and assure me that there was nothing to worry about. I know better, obviously, and decided to check her phone while she was sleeping. What I discovered was not necessarily a surprise, but a shock, nonetheless. They were complaining to each other about their respective partners and were having an affair. She was teasing him with the idea of sex. They were proclaiming their love for each other and planning a date. I freaked out. I had, at first, told her to leave, but then we began talking. She confessed that she felt that I had done nothing for her and that she had never truly loved me. I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I destroyed nearly everything and I practically tried to kill her. Realizing what I had done, I set off to kill myself. Eventually, I decided it was best to talk calmly with her for a while, to let her know just how sorry I was and how much I loved her. I tried to commit myself to psychiactric care, but they just released me. This was all on the twenty-third of October. I'm living with Jasper now, and she with a group of 3 male roomates. Later arguments included her going to stay with DJ in Tennessee behind my back, my decision to get back in touch with Autumn, and several others based on our distrust of each other. Each time, she removes the wedding ring, so to speak, by changing the background of her phone to an image without me, changing her Facebook relationship status to single, telling me to find a different girlfriend, or talking to other guys flirtatiously. Our bond is being held together by a thin, frayed, thread, and I can tell she's falling out of love with me. There's nothing left for me to try in the task of mending it, except sit here and wait, which would be easier if she wasn't avoiding the oppertunity to live with me and, instead, taking advantage of that the fact that she's free to do as she pleases. In the mean time, I have no way of traveling to a job if I could get one, so I'm a lame duck.

Today is set to be busy: a job interview and a Halloween party. Although we have to wake up early this morning, I'm afraid that I cannot sleep. It is neither excitement nor nervousness that feeds my insomnia, but rather fear. The anxiety of Anya cheating on me and flirting with other guys is worse than ever. It doesn't take a genious to figure out that her hunger for attention is not satisfied with just me, and of course, she will lie and make excuses and blame it on my paranoia until she's blue in the face. I'm no idiot; she knows that, but she also knows how desperate I am not to lose her. She might not be the best actor, but she plays the role of the victim very well. I can only imagine how frustrated she feels when I call her out on her god damned bullshit. I'm at a loss for what to do. I love her and I don't want to give her up, but I don't know how much longer I can live under her control. The justification of her disloyalty, the emotional games, the threats to leave... they all have to stop. I'm so sick of her tugging on my heart and my brain. It's obvious, though, that if I ever brought all of this up, her refusal to realize what she is doing would turn into anger which she would use against me. It's no consolation to understand what is going on inside that crooked mind of hers, for it ca never be fixed, except by some life changing event. Would marriage do it? Pregnancy? Probably not, but what do I know? All I know is that this is her reality, and chances are nothing that happens can ever change that. So, what do I do? Do I ignore it and wait until it passes? I already know what suffering that would bring. Do I try to fix it? No, for it is futile. Do I refuse to live with this and let her go? Here, too, I know the suffering. The confusion in my heart is staggering. The thoughts are vivid and refuse to go away. Visions of infedility and fights and heartache race around my head, crashing into each other, providing the sparks that fuel my anxiety, depression, and anger. I grieve for that which I have not yet lost, for I can see the many ways that it can end. To stay, I sacrifice my sanity. To go, I give up the only chance I have left at love. "But, what is love without trust?" I ask. "Eternal Suffering with nothing more than The Illusion of Happiness." And how can one trust when infedlity attacks the heart without mercy or regret? One would have to live in a dream, carefully crafted so that every negative event is met with nonchalance and apathy, pushed aside because it does not fit into this dream, which must become a false reality. How does one accomplish these things? One such as I, with such knowledge and beliefs, cannot. Well, then there are only two options: Live this life of suffering whilst embracing the "happiness," regardless of its fallacy, or to diverge from this path with no idea as to whether happiness could ever truly exist. The unknown is a horrifying thing to ponder, let alone jump into by one's self, and that is the sole factor of this relationship that keeps me holding on. For the first time, I am not alone in my journey through the darkness, and my company, although only a comforting shadow of illusion, is comforting and helpful, nonetheless. Emotion expresses its power the most when logic fails to console the troubled mind, and it is unfortunate that it should burden one this way. The truth is that no matter what road I choose in this life, there will always be suffering, and the best I can do is choose one and stay on it, for no matter how much I hope and pray for true love and happiness down an alternate route, deep inside, I know what awaits. As much as I'd want to, I cannot shut myself inside and escape this cruel world forever. I must eventually face it and do my best to accept it as it is. Although writing all of this doen has done nothing to calm my mind, I must try to rest and hope that this job will serve as a welcoming escape from this desolate life and this burdening relationship.

Well, after forty minutes, she just went to sleep. The thought that she just didn't care about our relationship once again clouded my mind. Thoroughly pissed, I got up, marked out the "Alex & Anya" inscription on our tent, and began writing: "Uneeded, Unwanted, Unloved, Not Worth Fighting For; Live alone, Die alone; Love doesn't exist; Rebel against all, but welcome the end; Life is for the weak; Death awaits us all; Fuck the dream- It's all just fantasy; Trust no one; I pray for death; I cannot fight to stay alive, but I'm too weak to die;" and finally, "4Ever Alone." Then, I went up to Sammy and Halo's ten and talked to them about it all, hoping they could act as a medium. Instead, they just took my side. So much for mediation. As it turns out, when I walked off, Anya began packing, and I saw her lugging her stuff down the trail, I ran after her and tried to convince her to stay, but her friend, Jason, was already on his way. Finally, she decided to give me "one more shot" and took Jason back to his car. After getting all of her things back in the tent, I discovered what she wrote as I marked out what I had written: "You're right. I don't know what love is. I was just giving it another try. We were both wrong. You were never there for me. Cry to THEM." And finally, "I showed you that I love you, but you never did." After she got back, we almost got into the fight all over again, but she cares more about her job than how I feel about it, and I don't want to lose her, so I just have to fucking deal with the fact that she wants to be a porn star and wants to do sexual poses with other guys. "Nothing more than business," she said. I hate it. It goes against everything I've ever felt about love and loyalty, but I don't want to lose her, so I have to fucking suffer, just like she has to suffer in the tent with me. Letting her do this, and staying with her, despite the suffering, is me showing my love to her and my commitment to staying with her. It's fucked up. I hate it. On a brighter note, I have a job interview with Walmart tomorrow, which is good, because moving in with Jasper is no longer an option.

Tired. Thirsty. Angry. Depressed. Betrayed. Impatient. Irritable. Desperate. Hopeless. All of these things I am feeling and more. It's odd how much she hates Joey and is worried about me cheating when she's not much better than he is. What's really bad is that she does it for money and uses that as an excuse. After the talks that we've had, you would think that by now, she would know how much loyalty means to me and what it means. As she says, though, "You know I don't listen to anybody." Well, yes dear, obviously. You do what you want to do, regardless of consequence. This is the last straw for me. If I find out she's done this one more time, it's over. I'm not putting up with it. I can't trust her or anyone else. God damn it, I'm so fucking pissed, so close to the edge. My life has been fucking hell ever since she came into it. Granted, ninety-five percent of it has, admittedly, been my own fault, and it has been for the most part, worth the struggle, but this shit is making it all a waste of time, and time is something I personally need to stop wasting. The only reason I don't end it right now is because I'm holding on to a thread of hope that she'll start thinking about our relationship, before she makes decisions that are hippocritically disloyal. Therefore, I'm giving her one more chance; if she throws it away, so be it. I'll move in with Jasper and she can do whatever the fuck she wants without breaking anyone else's heart. She seriously put her photographer's dick in her mouth, but it's supposedly alright because it was for the shoot, she used a condom, he paid her forty-five bucks and a hotel room, and finally, because she was honest about it. Plus, she's still persuing the porn business, even though she promised not to. Fuck it. At this rate, she'll fuck up again and it will be over. Then, I can move on with my life and pray that one day, I'll find someone I can trust. Of course, like Anya, I'm afraid that I'm too in love and too betrayed to ever trust or love again. So, I'd rather just kill myself. I did try, but I'm too weak to die via dull knife. One would think I would have learned that the last time. Basically, I'm giving her an hour and forty minutes to find some way to convince me that I can trust her. Howver, I'm pretty sure she'll just give up, if she hasn't already. I do wish she wouldn't, but it comes down to the fact that if she cares, she'll prove it. I doubt it though. She's just drowning in her guilt with no way to say sorry, because she knows from experience that there's no way in hell that I can trust what she says. I suppose what she doesn't know its that she can say something legitimate, but doesn't have the vocabulary to say or think it. What the fuck ever. If she can't express it through word or action, she can't feel it, and if she can't feel it, then she can't truly be sorry, because she can't truly love me. It's become obvious that she only stays with me out of guilt and fear of me killing myself, and she thinks that's proof of her love. She's covince me that she doesn't know what love is, or loyalty for that matter. Even as I sit here waiting for her to speak, she can only puff on her cigarette, mope, and text. Hell, even after I finally started talking to her about it, after two days of calming myself down, all she could do was snap at me for making he feel bad about it, concentrating on her feelings and acting like I'm the bad guy for making her feel that way. Hell, she didn't even say, "I'm sorry", until she found out that I was going to kill myself. All she cares about is her own guilt, which wasn't present until I brought it up. It's such selfish fucking bullshit. Well, she has one hour left. I'm not sure what I'll do after that, but it's now the nineteenth and there's no chance in hell of me falling asleep. She's the only one who can save this relationship, and she's just patiently waiting until it's over. This is it; at one, I'm done. At one, she loses her chance. I'll try to sleep, and wait until she's found a place to stay. I can't keep waiting on someone who doest everything to erase my trust, then doesn't even bother to try and get it back, when I've given them every oppertunity.

The last week has been pretty busy. We stayed at Anya's friend, Sam's, for a few days to attend a White Chapel concert, then at Jasper's again for a few nights after that. We just got back today, and although there isn't much else to record, it was nice to just kick back for a week away from the tent. I guess you could say that it was kind of like a vacation, except that when normal people go on vacation, they might stay in a tent, and we left the tent to stay in a house. While at Jasper's, I did the research that I needed to do, but he doesn't have a working printer, so I'm still at a standstill. My throat is finally getting better, but it's going to be a while before I'm able to sing properly again. It's now that I realize just how much television, internet, and video games do for boredom. Looks like it will only be another week before we move to Jasper's. That is if we don't get any notice on jobs. With Fairview being a redneck community, I doubt that either of us can get a job there. The people are too prejudiced. If we do move in there, it will only be until spring comes aroung, though. Then we'll be doing this all over again. Who knows, though? Perhaps another option will present itself within that time. Whatever happens needs to happen soon, before it gets to be too late. The only brightside to this is that we're still alive and still together. Well, I think we'll be going to bed soon, considering there's really nothing else to do.

As the days get colder, the nights get longer, and the strss becomes unbearable. We can't live like this much longer. Last night, my emotions once again overwhelmed me and forced me into the cold, leaving Anya by herself for two hours. Thankfully, I came to my senses and returned before the storm came. Only two hours of sleep blessed me before the thunder shook the valley where our tent resides. I spent the next seven hours tossing and turnin, unable to get warm. Anya does another shoot today, but it is unpaid. I hpe she will not be gone long. Most businesses will be hiring towards the end of this month for the holiday season. We're fighting to get a job sooner. Tomorrow is mine and Anya's fourth month together. I swear that it seems as if we've been together three times this duration. The arguments have been hard, but not as hard as they could be. We stayed at Jasper's camper for three nights. The first night was the hardest. She doesn't quite grasp how private and sacred sex is to me, so an oral intercourse with Jasper present turned into our worst fight to date. It came down to her either making the decision to quit persuing the porn industry and respecting my values, or the end of our relationship. She decided to stay with me. It's nearly four and still quite frigid. We were shocked to see that it was actually snowing earlier, although too lightly to really make a difference. I do wish my creative writing would take off again. The main problem ist that my mind is stuck on organizing the relations of the different characters, which I can't do untill I'm able to print out the references I need. Oh well. Only time can fix this issue, I'm afraid. I need to eat something, so I suppose I might write more later.

It's been pretty slow the last couple of weeks. There still hasn't been any luck on jobs, although we did fill out applications at my grandmother's last Friday. Anya was supposed to get paid fifty dollars on her last photo shoot, but she got ripped off. A couple of things have caused my emotions to spiral since then. First, is when she was trying to talk some guy, named Travis, out of some money by flirting with him. She became sneaky and secretive, and I noticed some of the texts. There was some major tension between us for a few days, until I finally snapped and she confessed she had thought about leaving me, because of the way I had been acting, which is ironic, because I was acting weird as a result of being convinced she was going to leave me. Second, is after she was contacted by a porn agency. In desperation for the money, as her phone service is about to be suspended, and we are running low on foodstamps, I reluctantly agreed to let her do it. Yesterday morning, we made sample shots and videos, which was awkward. Then, last night, it just fell apart. Myko came to our tent and wanted to have a threesome. Knowing that she was going into the porn industry, I let it happen, because I thought it would help me cope. Instead, it made everything worse. I had let someone come into our closed, committed relationship. I was distraught, obviously. I didn't know how we could continue to be together, but I couldn't just break up. I love her too much. So, the night dragged on with her trying to talk me out of killing myself and me not seeing any other choice. I did finally calm down. Today has been frustrating. Walmart locked the outlets, Kmart blocked them with plants, and Tuesday Morning put up a sign above theirs, forcing us to the mall, where we hopefully won't be kicked out by security again. Well, this fast day has become slow and long, so I don't really have anything more to say at the moment.

It's been hell for the last eighteen days. We've been struggling for food and I've had no luck even getting an interview. Anya hasn't even had a modeling job until tonight. The last one, on the twenty-fifth of August, wasn't even paid. Everyone has given up on me, except for Anya and the trouble is that everyone is giving up on her, because of her choice to stay with me. I had a long cry lastnight- the first since Ben's Uncle kicked me out and I spent the cold February night shivering beneath the backsteps of a church. Anya's gig is in Brevard, so she'll be gone for a few hours. It's dreadful to be alone. Sammy and Hal are leaving us alone now, because of a sacastic comment that I made. As annoying as they were, I have to admit that I miss their company. I saw Cari while hanging out with Travis at AB Tech. Needless to say, it caused some awkwardness between Anya and I for a while. Then in a matter of a few days, I saw Kevin at the mall, and April and Chelsea {boling} at Walmart. The odd thing about that is that both April and Chelsea, at some point while Anya was with Joey, were a threat to their relationshi, because of Joey's heartless infedelity. She hasn't even been gone for an hour and a half, and I'm already beginning to get anxious. My writer's block has been killing me, especially here lately, because of a recent discovery of the ties between my stories. I did however, finally, create a new full name for Anya. It's "Anya Tamira Straigya." She seems to like it, so I'd say it's a job well done on my part. It's numerilogically correct and everything. Here would be where I insert a present sigh of lonliness. I'm running out of things to say, and it will still be a while before Anya returns. I'll have to smoke another cigarette and ponder how I'll keep myself busy. Well it's getting cold and little noises are beginning to scare me. Someone broke into our tent last week and stole my headphones, my PSP, my camera, a can of spaghettios, two mountain dews, one of Anya's thongs, and either masturbated or had sex on our new air matress. Since then, Sammy, Halo, Anya, and myself have moved up the trail and are slightly more hidden. The nights have gotten fairly cold... actually, bitterly cold... so cold that even body heat under our pile of blankets didn't keep us from shaking for two whole nights, until my father finally brought us our other blanket. Sammy and Halo are being loud and obnoxious, as always. At least they're not having sex; that's the most annoying thing ever. I hope Anya gets back soon. This bed was made for two, not one lonely kid and his notebook. I am happy to see that journaling hasn't become difficult, like my creative writing has. Still, it's nearly imppossible to write with Anya around. She's such a wonderful distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. God, I hate being alone. I used to pray for time to myself, but now it's like every minute is an hour. I always get worried when she leaves. What if something bad happens and she never comes back? What am I to do? I suppose the only answer would be to kill myself before the starvation settles in. It's sad that I have to depend on the few people that care about her and the perverts who just want in her pants to keep us both alive. The fact of the matter is that, without her, I'd be dead or in jail by now. It's been nearly two and a half hours. I'm already starting to worry. I need another cigarette. Well, after this cigarette is finished, I should probably try to sleep before my anxiety cause me to do something stupid, like cut myself or find some stupid way to kill myself. I probably should have taken my cold medicine as soon as she left; then, I might have found it easier to sleep.

There is so much that I have left to say, yet time won't let me form the words. It laughs at me and digs my grave. It waits for me to eat the dirt. There once was purpose in my heart. I know that purpose to be true, but time will tear my life apart, before I've learned enough to lose. The fear is there, beside the time. They're shaking hands and making deals. I'm trapped within this fear of mine, which makes me doubt what once was real, but what is fiction to a brain that spends it's time inside a dream and trades its fear for lies and hate, while starving for the truth they bring? The days are short and nights are long. My heart still beats inside my chest, singing me that morbid song, disturbing my attempts to rest. I waste my days expecting nights where inspiration seems to wait, yet there's not a word to write when I already know my fate.

Arguments are funny things in a loving relationship. Like normal arguments, there's crying, yelling, and hurtful words, but if you truly love the person and have matured enough, they strengthen your bond rather than weaken it. Anya and I have had many of these. Since meeting Sammy and Halo, I've realized through observation that when you do not truly love someone, but instead only certain things about them and how they make you feel some of the time, rather than everything about them and every feeling they give you, these arguments will sever that bond. Worse iw when, either because of these things or in relation with them, one or both parties are infeldious, while still refusing to accept their own issues and still judging each other through hippocrasy, and as a result, becoming jealous, not only of third parties, but also other couples- especially couples who lack these issues, or at the very least work through them peacefully. My darling, Anya, and myself have observed on multiple occassions the effects of the relationship described. Both Sammy and Halo, when around us, are more calm and collected, being careful to speak to both of us and each other as ewually as possible, while subtly flirting with Anya and myself, respective of opposite sex. Their jealousy compells them to tear us apart, which I suppose would seem fair in their eyes. the tatic is a simple one: to instigate the feeling of jealousy between us by making themselves appear more desirable, respective once again to the opposite sex. Anya and I both had suspicions of this from the very beginning but did nt discuss the matter until such suspicions were, all too obviously, confirmed yesterday afternoon. I suppose their heated argument the night before sparked a touch of desperation in them which caused them to be less subtle. I'm curious to know if the act is conspired, or rather individually plotted by like minds. Either way, it has become apparent that with these two acting as described and Logan finding every excuse to talk me down and touch my girlfriend, that, as Anya has said before, it truly is "Us against the world." The good news is that, because of the way our communication has been imprving, such matters were discussed and we have resolved to systematically avoid these people and others like them.

Holy shit! The last seven days have been nothing short of an adventure. My grandpa helped us find a spot to camp across the street from the mall and we ended up having to pitch the tent in the dark. Anya is getting used to the lifestyle. We met another couple who showed us some spots to fly signs and white-box. We’ve gotten drunk with them a few times. Their names are Halo and Sammy. Anya and I got pulled over for panhandling, but we were let off with a warning. This kid, Logan, called the cops on our campsite, because of a conflict between him and Halo, and I ended up standing up to him and getting my face stomped in. One night, my emotions got out of control and I walked back to the tent, expecting Anya to follow me, but she didn’t, which caused some conflict between us until later the next day. Halo was arrested the other night for intoxication and trespassing, but he got out yesterday evening. There was another person camping down the trail and, for some reason, the cops evicted him, but not us. I need to get a job soon, but Jon still has my computer. Anya had a modeling job today, and she’s still gone. I hope she returns soon. I broke my phone the night I took off and lost my memory card. I’m pretty sad about that. It had all my contacts and music on it. I’ve been playing video games a lot more lately because of it, which is okay, because Parasite Eve I amazing. I’m going to smoke another cigarette, I suppose, and try to be patient as I await the return of my love.

Last night was our final night in the apartment. Our cat, Oliver, kept us both up most of the night. After dad and Joanna picked up our stuff, we went into town for a pizza and hung out outside of Ingles. Alyssa re-“liked” a comment I left in March/April and Tamara decided she didn’t want to be in my extensive list of “A’s”, so I can’t call her “Anya” anymore, which obviously sucks in the scheme of things. Maybe she’ll change her mind, but I doubt it. It seems like every time things don’t add up like that, something eventually happens to change, and then end, the relationship, and I don’t want that to happen- not with her. Everything fit so perfectly, until this. Maybe I should accept that nothing’s perfect and just continue to live my imperfect, chaotic, life. I just don’t understand, though. It all was going the way I had planned it. Did I make a fatal mistake somewhere? I know that I need to grow up and stop living in my world of patterns and control, but it’s the inconsistency of patter that makes me anxious and paranoid. If negative emotions are supposed to be signs of diverging from the path, then where the hell did I turn? I’ve done everything I was supposed to… everything I was told.

With 2 days to go, I am still looking for a pump for the air mattress and with the dryer belt burnt out, and no newspaper for the dishes, we’re at standstill with packing. Last night, Tamara, whom I’m calling Anya, now, and I got into a fight. I was convinced she was going to leave me, so I had planned to jump off of a bridge, but thought better of it and ran to my grandparents. After discovering that Anya was not at home, my grandfather and I set out to look for her. Upon finding her, my grandparents dropped me off and we sat on the curb talking for one and a half hours. By the time we got home, all was fine, but it scared me. I have honestly never been this in love before. Actually, I don’t think I have ever truly been in love until now. I thought that I was, but now that I look back and see it was all infatuation, nothing more than the selfish desire to be wanted. I understand now what it means for love to be selfless. I’m still frightened, however, of the consequences that I’ve brought upon us, for they do not just affect me any longer. They affect her as well. I never meant for it to be like this, but I have no choice but to accept the cards I’ve been dealt and play them to the best of my advantage. We’re out of cigarettes now. I know it’s the pathetic anxiety of an addict that causes me to panic and get depressed, but knowing this doesn’t help the stir of negative emotions. God damn, I feel like crying… as much as I love the things, I can’t stand them when they’re gone. I dyed my hair black, red, and blue, and I’m changing my name ASAP. Christopher Jay Atkins is so close to non-existence that I can taste it. Fuck, I need money… bad. We pay to be born. We pay to live. We pay to die. How a few pieces of paper and scraps of metal can be given more value than someone’s existence, I will never know. I suppose that’s just how far humanity has fallen. Jesus, it’s come to using the few butts we have left.

Well… my life just never ceases to be a roller coaster to hell. In short, I moved in with my mom, got a job at Walmart, got kicked out, and then met a 22 year-old girl named Tamara. I quit my job at Walmart, bought a bunch of survival gear, and went out on the road. I got picked up by a brilliant con-man, partied in Charleston, went to Florida, and rode a bus back to Asheville. All of this, I did to meet this girl in person. In a second attempt, I moved in with Benjamin Flynn from Broughton, got treated like a slave by Ben’s racist uncle, and was witness to the murder of two black men. Upon being threatened by his Uncle, I hitchhiked back to Weaverville, moved back in with my dad, and got another job at Walmart where I met a boy named Ryan. Ryan got kicked out by his roommate, our friend Nolo, so I talked my dad into letting him live with us until such time that we could get an apartment. About a week after getting an apartment, Tamara moved in to escape her abusive roommate, Blaine. I met her ex-boyfriend, Joey, who was trying to win her back. Within the next two months, I won her heart, Ryan left unexpectedly, I got another roommate, Garrett, who had a seizure and moved out, I overdosed, lost my job, and got stranded in Hendersonville twice, while making new friends, Travis and Avy (Emily), and meeting some of Tamara’s: Miko, Jason, Anthony, and Obie. Now, because I lost my job, and two roommates, I am losing the apartment. I owe over $6,000 in rent, hospital bills, phone bills, power, late fees, and repairs, and I’m fleeing to Asheville with Tamara in a tent to avoid legal charges. The life of an adult is just so fucking exciting.

Last night was eventful. This morning even more so. The social worker came to speak to me last night. I told her about CJ sexually harassing me and the glass he had in his room. CJ was, shortly thereafter, moved to the otherside of the ward. Jason and a new boy, Jake, moved oveer to my hall. At about twenty-three-thirty I was moved to the short hall. This morning was okay. Then in the middle of scroggs we were all called back to the ward- EVERYONE! We were all searched. They're still searching. They're searching every inch of every ward until they find something. But, they won't. There's nothing to find and their hasn't been for a good while. Oh hell, the things I never mean to start and am never able to finish.... I know that Cody and CJ are probably trying to avenge themselves, but it will never work. They dug their grave and I've long since filled mine back up. I told CJ to stop cutting, to stop harassing me, but he didn't. It's his fault that he didn't listen. And Cody... well he couldn't have been affected anyway. CJ and cody were able to go to Fun Friday after what they did, and I wasn't for what I didn't do. Life does certainly suck. Tired. Goodnight...

 

Today was excellent for the most part. I spent two hours sitting right beside Nay! We skipped the last two classes for Chrismas Social. She told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She said she wanted our first kiss for Christmas. I gave her the note I wrote last night. She was busy tucking it in her bra, behind a folder, and unaware of what exactly she was doing, I tore the folder away. Oh, it was hilarious! I'm sure it would have been extremely embarassing if anyone had seen. Seth got himself a girlfriend yesterday. Her name is Casey and she's a two-faced slut. She tried to get CJ to cheat on Lianna with her as a sort of double affair. I could hardly care less about Seth anymore, though. He tried to fondle me with his foot on the waay back from third period. It turned into a tragedy. Contrary to the reports, Seth had never made contact and I had no idea he was even trying, so I wouldn't have "allowed" him to do it as the reports also say. I was talking to Cody's one-to-one Staff at the time. I'm now on close and eight-foot-ban from everyone because of previous allegations. Presumably, I'm pissed. I got this new doctor the other day who doesn't know a damn thing about me. She's the one wo made the decision. I finally got the poem from my English teacher. It was written as a journal topic on the meaning of beauty. With the beginning of Nay and I's relationship still in my mind from the 23rd, I swiftly wrote a simple, yet stiking, poem about beauty and Natalie herself. "Beauty is waking up every moring nd seeing sunshine through my window. Beauty is walking outside and hearing the music nature brings to the world. Beauty is the crescent moon illuminating the night. Beauty is the feeling of the tide caressing over every inch of my skin. Bust most beautiful of all is the fact that the light of the sun is your presence, the music of nature, your voice, the crescent moon is your smile, and the tide, your touch." At the Christmas Social, we played bingo and I won two dollars and a camoflaged butterfly poster that I decorated to give to Natalie. Natalie won two dollars, as well, and a snow beani which she looks adorable in. Life never fails to get harder, we only fail in making it easier for ourselves and others. Yes, it is a bitch- one you'll never break up with. Anyhow, I feel like going to bed. So I'm going to the lavatory to urinate the toxins out of my body. Then, I'm off to sleep. Night!

 

Yes, triple digits suck. I figured I throw that out there. I got to spend time with Nay in fourth period. That was beyond pleasurable. She told her dad about me and read him one of my songs. He said I was every-dad's worst nightmare. Ha! Cody gave me a note to pass to Nay, which of course, I've read. I've included my own input both in my head and on paper in the brackets:

 

"Natalie, I promised to tell you my story, but that's another letter entirely. So instead, allow me to apologize. You don't know the details of Aris Pine's and my elopement plan, but it was my hsitance that became our downfall. He's really invested his entire heart in your relationship. Pretty smiles, decieving laughs, people who dream with their eyes open, and you... ["Selfish"] That's a list of things that make peoples hearts break. [Tupac Shakur] I liked you on sight. Your eyes are enchanting. And, we're all alike here, to some extent. I feel like I'm a minority, though. Not insane enough to be here, but too crazy to be accepted by my peers at home. I also thought of you while I cut when I was here. I never had before, but I wanted to be able to sympathize with you. I hope this doesn't sound too wild. Most girls talks as I do, but don't hear me when I mumble. They see as I do, but their vision is blurred by naivity. Usually, too much of me would frighten them, so I live in heartache. [Tupac Shakur] Think about it, Natalie Marie (a favorite song of mine.) You and Chris can have your business, but that doesn't mean we can't speak. ~Cody Trevette."

 

Never believe hearfelt words unless they're one's own, and never believe anything until you've seen for yourself what lies in context. These underlined words are quotes from two poems by Tupac Shakur. I've read the poems, and frankly, they're insulting. Don't Believe His Lies ~Aris Pine. <3.

He seems to be trying to get between her and I, to keep secrets from me between themselves. It's messing with my head. Cody's better than that... isn't he? Excuse me while I write a note to Nay. By the time I'm through, I will be surely ready for sleep, so goodnight.

 

After lastnight's entry, I would assume that it's perfectly understandable to not want to wake up, or even consider that the possibility of it exists. I had Treatment Team. Nothing much there. I should be leaving in January. Nay's off one-to-one! Yay! I can't wait to see her tomorrow, without her shadow, once again! It does lift my spirits! Daniel and Isaiah are both on one-to-one. Isaiah actually wanted it! Another Zack is in our midst. He's a tad cooler, though. Cody vaguely confirmed my worries. He read my journal entry about my theory of him returning on purpose. He said soon afterwards that the reason he came back was "yet to be decided." I told a nurse I was having elopement fantasies to hopefully lead them off... hopefully.... I feel I should record the contents of the letter Cody gave me on our second night of near-hell. Here it is:

I'm backing out, Chris. My reasons why will have to remain unknown to you until tomorrow. Don't hassle me on this. I know I made a promise. I intend to keep it for your's and Natalie's sake. But for tonight, go to bed. If it's any consolation, we'll all be here tomorrow. ~ Cody Trivette. Our lives are running different courses, Chris. Think about that.

It's all worrying me. Well, Cody, you're right. We will all be here tomorrow. I can just "hope not" too much later. Goodnight.

I fell asleep at around eight lastnight. What I missed I'm grateful to miss, for I would have never fallen asleep afterwards. That was a peaceful and blissful oblivion of transient coma. Cody came back. Yes, and a nurse asked me this morning about elopement. I told him that we never planned elopement, but Cody had had some glass. I didn't know he was here then. CJ bit me. I hate being bitten. It stis my brain too much. I think I'm going to walk around for a while. We're on the courtyard. I'll definitely write later.

So... it's later.... It's about eighteen-forty-five, actually. I've said before that I hate weekends. I only say it consistently like this to empasise it's ever-supported accuracy. I'm still having trouble believing the whole "Cody" thing. Did he come back on purpose? It certainly does seem that way.... He had promised and renewed my trust and faith in it on more than enough occasions. Could this be another redemption? If so, I'm sorry to tell him that if he simply won't give up, then he simple must get used to disappointment in the most perpetual sense imaginable. I don't thing my recruit took his inventation very seriously. Oh, well. I guess it's his perogative. It's been confirmed by staff that they know everything. Who fucking told? Hell, all that matters is the original plan failed and if they know the original plan, there's no telling how much else they know, so I might neveer get a chance to escape with Nay, maybe even to see her! Oh yes, I believe it's perfectly sensable to be terrified, and hopeless, and depressed, and pissed... et cetera, et cetera... There were more than enough people who knew by far: Cody, Jayson, Jefree, Chris, Isaiah, Seth, and I all knew. Oh and Daniel, too. All of us knew. I know I didn't tell, so that leaves eight others at least. This is proving that next time, if there is a next time, I should keep shit to myself. It will probably even be spontaneous. Staff knows too much- next it will be the glass. Hell, it probably already IS the glass! Regardless, I've takn the necessary precautions. They won't find anything in my room. I have Treatment Team tomorrow. Somehow, I do not expect to like what I hear at all. Yes, Monday is bound to be a very bad day. Ha! I can't wait! Are you accusing me of sarcasm? How dare you?! I wonder if Staff knew the detailed plan, or just talk of elopement. I need to know so I can render my plans worthless or still usable. Fuck, oh well... NO! NOT "oh well"! If they know about Nay, I'm DEAD. If they know about the plan, then I'm still dead, but not AS dead... I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. Things have gotten progressively worse since Wednesday, and tomorrow is fucking Treatment Team! I am, of course, terrified. I'm running out of paper and I've nothing more to say, unless you like to listen to me gripe. So, goodnight.

It's another Fun Friday without her. Only CJ, D Anne, a new girl, and I were there. I sent in the invitation. Just from what little I've told him, he already seems pretty excited! This is good. I need excitement. Nay is still on one-to-one. I told De Anne to forward my love and greetings to her. Seth is going into a jealous phase again. I told him about the mission plan. Though he disagreed with it, he still promised to stay out of the way. I talked to the psychologist today, for the first time since I got here. Apparently, the reason they haven't found placement is because of the Psycho-Sexual results, which I've heard nothing about, or even in reference at all. I asked him what the results said, but he just decided to put off the question until Monday, where he will only avoid it further. He said I was a danger to others. How? I've never been dangerous to anyone but myself.... I'm confused. God Damn, I hate my doctors. They never do anything! Staff understood completely. I know I'm not just making excuses, because the Staff knows just as well as I do- maybe even more! Fuck, it pissed me the fuck off! He gets on to me for manipulating and toying with people's emotions, yet here he is toying with mine, instead of doing his job! I acquired the nickname, "Butterfingers", by masturbating with butter.... ha! Isn't that a trip! Co-ed tomorrow? I hope so, but probably not considering all the alarms on the Girls Ward this week. I hate weekends. They're good for nothing- literally. They're substanceless excuses for time. Unless you are pushing during the week, and dog-tired, the weekends shouldn't be so lazy and lethargic. One should use that free time accordingly and responsibly. Oh whatever! I'm seriously dog-tired, so I'm off to sleep. Night!