Notes to Cindy: The Archives

Nay said, yesterday, that she may be getting off. But, I can't help but to be a pessimist. It's only predictible in places like this. So... Yeah, I'm writing in pencil. It's one that Cody had taken. I guess I just inherited it. Fuck. God only knows what is to happen today. Murphy's Law: "If anything can go wrong, it will, and at the worst possible of times." I got that with a bunch of other principles from school. Some of them including, "Trouble never comes at a convenient time"; "No amount of careful planning will ever beat dumb luck"; and "You can plan anything you like; just don't expect it to happen that way." I believe these are appopiate for the recent events. Today's going to be a bad day, I'm sure. I know if you condition yourself for a bad day, you'll probably get one, but I believe I would do best to be prepared; and I suppose, I don't want it to be a good day while Nay is in her situation. Well, it's about time for first shift, and I really don't want to get caught with this pencil. I'll write later.

It's lunch break, now. Nay is still on one-to-one, but seems to be happy enough. So, why am I not happy as well? I have a new notebook, now, in which I will continue this pondering, once inside...

So... the question still remains: If Natalie is happy, then why aren't I? Her exuberance must be a facade. It must be! She must be trying to get off one-to-one as soon as possible in order to be able to talk again. I miss her touch. God. I know it must be random, but I do. I miss it. She moved halls- AGAIN! Yeah, she had moved halls Monday night, which is why Cody and I were glad to have stalled only once more. Her move had made everything easier. But, Cody lacked the motivation and looked forward to Jail in the morning. Cody has cancer. He wanted to die at home.

Christian left today. It's only CJ, Isaiah, Seth, Jayson, a new kid who came in last evening, and I. That makes six. I am now the last one to leaveout of the patients who were here on August Twenty-Seventh. I've been here for three months and two weeks, today. It's about time I left this dump. I just want to go home! It's all become too routine! I don't belong here! I'm scared that someone in authority might have discovered mine and Cody's plans, but I'm not sure how, or if they really did. I'm sure they would have talked to me about it. I'm sure. I heard one of the teachers say that the security was raised because of something someone-who-just-left was planning. It fits too well! The raise in security, her move- it makes too much damned sense! Lord, help us! I beleive in fate, yes, but I didn't know it could fucking trick you! Oh well... I have to go back to school soon, I'm sure, so I'll write later today.

I had to get rid of my pencil. Staff did a routine check on my room and my person. I knew what was up so I dropped it under a chair. They did not, of course, find anything.

The day has ended. We have a new boy. He came in at one in the morning. His name is Daniel. His situation is much like mine, Nay's, and Cody's. I'm considering recruit. The fact that there are only seven adolescent male patients might lead to a cluster - meaning we might all get moved to one fucking hall. Hell, it could be a good thing, I guess. Tomorrow's Fun Friday. I don't expect it to be very fun, though. I've written a lot today. I suppose it's time for me to sleep. That reminds me: I slept from seven-forty-five to six this morning! I really needed it. There were no alarms today. That's good. Well, goodnight, chaps.

That's fucking it! It's over! I'm fucked! Cody's going to jail today. Nay's had a rough couple of nights and can't come to school and I am about ready to kill myself, if not someone else! I got one hour of sleep lastnight. ONE! From five to six-one. I'm dead all around- mentally physically, socialy.... I can't see Nay because of her school restricitions and fuck knows what other shit, so it's not like I'm able to talk to her about another front. Lastnight was IT- the fucking brutal end- and I'm now hopeless in light of it! Oh yes, it is a cruel world, indeed. Everything was going perfect lastnight ,but we missed out chance! We missed one chance and never had another. I was discussing it all with Cody from about midnight to five. I didn't leave his motherfucking room. Now, he won't have a room- just a cell- and I'll have a vast abscence of future, while Nay is dealing with straight rot of some tragic variety. Oh, yes. It's truely over. Once again, I have failed. Not only myself, but yet another dependant individual who all but put their soul into me. I'm as fucked as can be. The misfortune is beautifully complex, but naturally, also tragically effective.

Nay's on one-to-one again. She cut a little too deep about two weeks ago and it might ned stitches. Hell, she's probably already gotten them.

FUCK! We had a fucking hold up! Damnit! Shit... uh, well, Cody and I went over the goods and bads of changing the mission date tonight. I think the best thing is that I will be able to see Nay in school today, and brief her on the plan, so she can plan around it. It will make things much easier, regardless. It's about six-thirty, now. I may write more later on today, or you may not hear from me until after we reach a safe zone. Whish me luck. Oh yeah, and midnight will be the beginning of my sixth sixteen-day interval. I'm hoping for the best!

K, so briefing Nay wasn't so easy, considering we only saw each other in passing, and Mondays are half-days, meaning a third less chances to talk to her. Also, we've no idea where she's located. It's a quarter-til-eleven, give or take. We're set to commence action at an oppertune moment around twelve-thirty. It's risky- there's no denying it- but I feel it will be worth it, regardless. Well, one can only hope... I'm just trying to kill time before Hell's Hour. I would estimate we have approximately ninety to one-hundred minutes left, I'm truthfully struggling to resist sleep. I imagine Cody to be doing the same, and strongly hope likewise for Natalie. Independence was always one of my strengths. I suppose it derives from recalcitrance. Well, regardless, it's undoubtedly hereditary. Goodbye, hopeless successions of incarceration. Hello, cruel, but tolerable, world. I greet one with distaste and relief, the other with dreams and open arms, only hoping it greets me the same in turn. Hell, has it really come down to this abundance of abnormally intense, yet exhilerating desperation? I suppose that, though the question is all but futile, the answer is incontravertible. Why, yes, of course! Otherwise, I would have surely been asleep, or at least resting, at this very moment! But alas, I am doing neither, ergo I'm thoroughly exhausted. Only adrenalin and a large extremity of incentive keep me from being seduced by abortion.

Third shift is beginning to arrive. This means only and hour is left, before calamity, which will become our blessing. It's a scary thing, this dream supported by three. Everything's been mapped out. There's definitely a good chance we'll get stopped, but we're acting as if we know we won't. Regardless, it must happen tonight, or never at all. Once in a lifetime.... It's almost midnight. I just woke up Cody. He should be getting ready.

 

I guess this is it... My stuff is packed. I'm ready to leave the nest. I could be leaving for Whittaker any day now. Natalie has court soon, and could be going off to Juvie. Cody has no hope of ever going home. We all want to go home, but we can't, so we're making our own. It will most likely take place tomorrow night- well, at least, if we're lucky.... Nay and I have spent all this time planning and finally, thanks to Cody, it's ready to be put to use. The plan is complex and ergo, efficient. The final details will be taken into account by tomorrow evening. We've gone over almost every possible situation, and every detail within. Cody and I are ready, now; it's only Nay who needs to be informed. We have everything we need. We had co-ed recreation today and, therefore, we will most likely have it tomorrow. If not, the process might have to wait until next weekend. It's a bettle of chance and strategy. We have nothing to do now, but wait. Wish me luck....

 

Another standard day at Broughton.... CJ, Seth, and I rolled down the small hill in the courtyard over and over again. It brought back some childhood memories.

I've gotten fairly far along in my comic. The part I described yesterday is the prologue. The unfinished scene has four photos, now. It opens up with the detective announcing his arrival at Jacob's condo to the officer two states away. It ends with a feeling of coming victory for the investigators. The new part, "Part One", goes back in time to before Sarah ever met Jacob, and the story will start from there.

I saw Nay, this evening, on the way back from the computer lab. I really, sincerely, needed that. The recreational therapist had a day off, today, so Fun Friday was non-existant. Anyhow, I'm way too exhausted to do anything else but rid the lethargy from my mind through a self-induced, temporary, coma of the restful sort. So, shut up and shut me down. I'm off to the unconcious world of Nod. To sleep with me!

 

So... it's Thanksgiving. It's the first I've ever missed in my life. I got the note to Nay, yesterday. Staff suspected something. I hope they didn't tak it. Dad called. Scott thinks I'm sick. It was extremely uneventful, today. I did write a new song, titled "Til Death", which will be the theme of my comic strip of the same title. The song is about a man who murders his girlfriend, then kills himself. At the end of the song, the soul of the girl reads the epitaph of the boy's grave, the soul of the boy takes her hand, and they leave their graves behind. Strange, huh? The comic is the same thing with a lot more information and background. It's about a man who has manic blackouts and kills people. The opening scene shows how the girl feels about what he's doing, without specifying what it is. The next scene, which currently only has two photos, presents the officer who was given the man as a suspect, and later welcomes a detective to the case. I'm going to write a summary for future reference. That is likely all I will do until I feel like sleeping. I shall write more tomorrow, if I'm not too busy or too tired, or if there's simply nothing to write about.... The days get like that often. Til then, goodnight and good riddens!

 

I'm off one-to-one! God, I hope it stays that way. Cody got some glass! He really only gave me one of the peices, but a bunch was left on the bathroom floor, which I've cleared of evidence. Cody put a bunch of cuts on his fucking wrist, when we just had a talk about cutting in the right places! He doesn't even have any long-sleeved shirts! For an individual of such high extremes in intelligence, that was a severely phlegmatic move. I suppose it makes sense though. He has only jail to look forward to after he leaves, giving him plenty of incentive to try and stay here as long as possible. I can't wait until tomorrow, when I can see Natalie again! I get to see my Nay-Nay without her oddly shaped shadows! I took no chances. If, for some unforseen reason, I get searched tomorrow, I will not be found guilty of any corrupting crime, for I have hidden my glass on The Ward, and on The Ward it shall presently remain. I have given myself a creative art course consisting of one graduate project, deciding upon my whole grade: Comic Strip! It's so much fun! I can't wait until I get ahold of a fucking pencil! It's really quite wonderful! Anyhoo, I'm going to bed!

Nay says she should be off one-to-one soon. Oh, God, how I hope it's true! Brian left. He gave me his Myspace: "bryanztheman". Hell. He knows Chelsea... I gave him Autumn's contact information- one can never be too sure. Seth is saying he's bisexual. I'm yet to determine his accuracy. Oh, well. I got to use the keys yesterday. It could have been my escape if I were careless. I'm bored beyond description. The timing is appropiate, yes, as it is bed time, but the whole day has become too predictable- the kind of predictability that never even twitches in falter, or ages in fluctuation. I feel like jail and juvie and Palmetto, before me, in a sense mentioned before called "The Consistancy Syndrom". It has been mentioned before, again, but it has only lied dormant, waiting to reveal itself, when the mind is the most succeptable and vunerable to pure, unconcentrated, insanity. It is the vicar of parasites: Acting through cognition until your untimely demise. Tragic, yes, but unavoidable, and truly incontrovertible. Hell, it's late. I must rest. Until pigs fly south...

 

~ ARIS PINE

 

Fun Friday: It was cool. Brian, Cody, Eli, Jefree, De Aanne, Leanna, and Michelle were all there. It was movie night- my least favorite. Randy is back. Yes, the same Randy who used to make my life hell. Fuck him. Anthony and Curtis left today. All the new kids are leaving so early! I need Nay to fix herself up and play heer innocent act so I can get his note to her! I talked to the doctor today and he said that they're more along the line of looking for a date than a place. I got another Hemmingway novel called "Farewell to Arms." It's about World War I. I need to shave. I haven't much to say, nor the strength to if I did. I hate weekends. I suppose I should sleep through it... goodnight.

It felt like I went to bed at around one-thirty to 2 in the morning lastnight, but it was actually more like fifteen before eleven. Mark S. moved downstairs. The other Mark moved up. Today was rather uneventful, which I would normally complain about, but after lastnight. I needed it. I really did. The weekend is finally over. School welcomes me back again. What do I have to do to make it stay after Friday? Hell, Mondays are always half-days anyway. Oh joy, now I've another pathetic reason to hate Mondays. I need to blow this popsicle joint and melt away. Kids are always asking me why I don't just run away. Don't think that I'm going to tell you I haven't considered it, because I'm not going to lie to you, and that would be lying through my teeth. I have considered it- deeply. There are three major things stopping me: One, I'd never be able to see my family again; Two, if I were to leave, I'd leave with Autumn, and she's not ready to go just yet; and Three, the most important reason, if I go, all of my dreams will be ruined- I will never finish High School, I will never go to college, I will never hava a family, I will never publish a book, I will never become a doctor, I will never have a life. I've been running for too long now. It's time for me to rest, to breathe, to settle, to bask, to surrender to the one part of nature I've never fully accepted: that of the human life. I am ready for life and I am ready to show them. I only need cooperation.

 

I wasn't able to read, write, draw, or anything else that I normally do on weekend nights, here, yesterday. The Staff turned my light off at eleven like they do on weekdays. I tried to argue but cut short and reluctantly willed myself to sleep. I forgot to mention that we have two Zachs' now, too. It's strange. Fun Friday was okay. I got to really meet Brittany and this ne Lauren. They're both really cool. Today sucked on all levels. We went to the awards closet and I got a few markers. Staff took all of my markers, except one, and put them away somewhere. That pissed me off. I ended up sleeping most of the day away. It was terrible. Jose and CJ both tried to fight one of the new kids. The peace has lost a chunk of followers. When will these people - when will society- realize that, yes, violence can solve things, but what's the fucking point of violence for the sake of violence? I will write more later tonight- hopefully....

Oh, fuck all! More violence! Mark S., CJ, and Jose got into a big fight. I never would have seen that coming! So much yelling. So much aggression. So much tension. So much terror. God, I'm ready to come home! Cannot anyone see that I am mentally and physically ready? But, no. I have to stay here until they find me a PRTF, where I will have to stay for another few months. It looks like I will be graduating High School a few years late- if I'm able to graduate at all. None of the schools in my area will take me. It looks like I'm fucked as far as my education, or any hope for a good life, goes. Oh, please don't let that be so! CJ flipped out again. We were sent back to our rooms for a third time and Mark L., finally too sick of the bullshit to cope, flipped out a little, himself. I finished the Hemmingway novel today and started on the book that Beverly had bought me the morning before I arrived here. I hate the weekends. The hall is permanently closed down for the night. Hell, there were days at Palmetto where we would be locked down for days at a time. It had gotten even more violent there than here. Fuck, there's ten times more violence in places like this than juvie and jail combined- at least, from what I've seen, anyway. I'm so sick and tired of all this shit! This was supposed to be the good half [of the ward]! Peaceful. These last few days, though, have just been hell on earth! We usually get brownies every Wednesday and Saturday for good behavior. No one on our hall got one today, and most of us behaved, for the most part. In the end, ___ and I were left without major point losses. I did lose 5 points for slamming my door the morning after the marker incident. I'm still upset about that, but not enough to gripe about it. To get angry and act out for such a thing is almost as bad as what happened tonight- only, like, thirty-times less. I'm fucking sick of all this! Now someone's banging. That, I am used to. That, I can handle. The rest of this senseless, immature, overdramatic shit, I just can't handle at all! Banding is all of that, but it doesn't have near so much of a consequence. CJ is crying and screaming about something.

All is quiet. Too soon. More yelling. In Palmetto, when we got locked down, it meant exactly that. Our doors were locked. More crying. When does it all end? He keeps screaming, "It hurts!" over and over again. What hurts? He sounds like I used to during a spanking. It's pathetic. They turned my lights off. I can't see shit. I guess I'll just write more tomorrow....

Wow. I actually write pretty good in the dark, even if it's not on the lines, at all. I went out to use the restroom, and when I came back, Heather was looking for me in my bedroom. I just left the light on. I'm at a loss of words in my own journal- even after such a day. I keep having vivid flashbacks of myself and Autumn, followed by fits of cringed panic. People always say that life is perception. They have no idea how wrong they are. Have you ever said something was a very long time ago, and although it seems that way, it was actually only a few months ago. And vis versa. Have you ever said something was a few weeks ago but it was actually a year ago? Even if you haven't said it or thought it, chances are you have felt this confusion before. In places like this, you feel both situations a lot. What's truly odd is to feel them both simultaneously. It is like feeling something so cold it seems hot- a total mixup of the senses. My time spent with Autumn- over the phone, on the internet, through mail, in person- seems so long ago, but only so short.. like yesterday... but it's been half a year. God, has it really been that long? I've never felt this strongly about anyone before. The only thing I've ever felt this strongly about is literature, and she completes my literature. Where I mis-spell, she corrects, where I fall, she stands up, and vis versa. Some would think it foolish to say I can't live without her, but it is like modern technology- yes, we;ve lived without it before, but we no longer really know how. What if electronics just suddenly vanished? How would we contact each other? How would we get around? It's so easy now, and we all take it all for granted. I wouldn't even be able to write right now if electricity vanished, for nothing would power the lightbulb and I would be left in the dark. We all would. We have become accustomed to modern life, but News Flash: How much of all of this was here even 10 years ago? Fifteen? Thirty? Now take all of that and find how much of it was even affordable to the average family. Again, how much of that was as advanced as it is now? You couldn't live in the old world and neither could I. Be honest with yourself. I could no more live my life without Autumn after welcoming her into it than anyone could live without the essence of the new world after being born into it. Even if she were to die, or dump me, or move and lose contact, or anything else like that, what I'd learned from her would continue to have an effect on my life. Now what have you gained from this new technology-clad world that will stay with you until this new world disappears? I can't imagine a damn thing. From Autumm, I would carry knowledge, experience, passion, memories, love, hope, and so much more than can be said in simple monologue! If you look back, you can see that you have carried all of this and more from a great many people throughout your life. I always say that everything happens for a reason. I stand by that further through this entry. All the individuals you've ever interacted with- remembered, or not- have left an impression upon you. It is unescapable. If, from birth, you were locked in a room with all of the necessities of survival, but without ever seeing another living thing, you would surely die, and even if you somehow lived to be your current age, you would have no personality othan than "Survive! Survive!", which would not even really come in words, for you would not even know how to talk, let alone eat correctly, which is why you would likely die extremely early. I'd give you, perhaps, 72 hours at most... which I'm fairly certain is pushing it, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, because I honestly have no earthly idea, let alone universal... or inter-dimensional.... I have no I-Fucking-Clue what time it is. My guess is anywhere from around one-thirty to two in the morning. This is the most I've written in my journal for a good while. I've been here for fourty-four days. That's one month, two weeks, and two days! It doesn't even seem like that long, at all. But, when I think about the last time that I spent time with anyone outside of these crappy places, the time that was supposed to be a welcome and not a goodbye, it seems milleniums off. "Cringed Panic"- my reminder of incentive. When I mentioned "the cringed tension of prying eyes" in my song, "Puke" [now titled "ACT V / SCENE 1: Thank You All For Coming"], I was mainly talking about the feeling of being in a room with now where to hide from the people trying to get into your head- in this case, hiding all my secrets from the therapists, and social workers, and doctors, and such. But there are prying eyes inside my head too... Aris, Arson, all of the people I've made promises to, the people back home worrying about me. I wonder if Lauren has called Ashely yet to tell her to pass on where I am....

 

I just spent the last twenty minutes, or so, drumming two washable markers onto my folder. If I ever wanted to learn real drumming, my talent level could increase if I did this to practice. For Music Group, yesterday- I forgot to mention- I played the violin. Even for the first time, the councilor said I did fairly well. Perhaps I will look into learning. I'm always fussing about needing a violinist for my band. Who says it can't be me? I found out that I'm supposed to go to a Psychiactric Residential Treatment Facility (PRTF) from Cindy, and that I've already been denied placement in several locations. Lilian, help me, for I've been cursed with a misdealt fortune. I've received too many cards. They're all low with different suits, no matches, or sequences. Every time I try to trade in for different cards, I get even more useless cards than before. How can I work with this shameful hand? I heard from my dad today. My cousin, Ashley, turned eighteen today. Everyone's growing up and leaving me behind. I can't wait until I ask her if there's as much fantasy behind eighteenth birthdays as sixteenth birthdays. I would imagine that there is. I've decided to try and take my shower every morning, rather than every evening, considering they won't let me do it at night and I enjoy morning showers more anyway, especially the hot, six-in-the-morning, showers I get here. ___ likes Mark S. a lot. I don't blame her. The big African American boy who came to our hall recently is named CJ, and isn't as bad as I thought. He has the same initials as me and his first name is Christopher. So, now we have two Christophers', two Marks', and two Williams'. (Me, CJ, Mark L., Mark S., Willie, and William.) Strange... All the males had a big game of kickball, today in Evening Recreation. It was extremely fun. There is a new girl in my class, named Brittany, who was here las time Mark L. was here. Mark L. knew everyone here, previously. It's incredible. I expect to see the PSA assessment woman tomorrow. Misses Patton has been on leave all week and we are not expected to see her until Monday. Misses Russel, the math teacher, and Misses Packard, the english teacher, have been taking turns subsituting for her. They honestly do a much better job. I've run out of lines, but not rhymes, and I discourage you to cry when I say goodbye, because I'll be back with lots more lame crap.