Notes to Cindy: The Archives

Tired. Thirsty. Angry. Depressed. Betrayed. Impatient. Irritable. Desperate. Hopeless. All of these things I am feeling and more. It's odd how much she hates Joey and is worried about me cheating when she's not much better than he is. What's really bad is that she does it for money and uses that as an excuse. After the talks that we've had, you would think that by now, she would know how much loyalty means to me and what it means. As she says, though, "You know I don't listen to anybody." Well, yes dear, obviously. You do what you want to do, regardless of consequence. This is the last straw for me. If I find out she's done this one more time, it's over. I'm not putting up with it. I can't trust her or anyone else. God damn it, I'm so fucking pissed, so close to the edge. My life has been fucking hell ever since she came into it. Granted, ninety-five percent of it has, admittedly, been my own fault, and it has been for the most part, worth the struggle, but this shit is making it all a waste of time, and time is something I personally need to stop wasting. The only reason I don't end it right now is because I'm holding on to a thread of hope that she'll start thinking about our relationship, before she makes decisions that are hippocritically disloyal. Therefore, I'm giving her one more chance; if she throws it away, so be it. I'll move in with Jasper and she can do whatever the fuck she wants without breaking anyone else's heart. She seriously put her photographer's dick in her mouth, but it's supposedly alright because it was for the shoot, she used a condom, he paid her forty-five bucks and a hotel room, and finally, because she was honest about it. Plus, she's still persuing the porn business, even though she promised not to. Fuck it. At this rate, she'll fuck up again and it will be over. Then, I can move on with my life and pray that one day, I'll find someone I can trust. Of course, like Anya, I'm afraid that I'm too in love and too betrayed to ever trust or love again. So, I'd rather just kill myself. I did try, but I'm too weak to die via dull knife. One would think I would have learned that the last time. Basically, I'm giving her an hour and forty minutes to find some way to convince me that I can trust her. Howver, I'm pretty sure she'll just give up, if she hasn't already. I do wish she wouldn't, but it comes down to the fact that if she cares, she'll prove it. I doubt it though. She's just drowning in her guilt with no way to say sorry, because she knows from experience that there's no way in hell that I can trust what she says. I suppose what she doesn't know its that she can say something legitimate, but doesn't have the vocabulary to say or think it. What the fuck ever. If she can't express it through word or action, she can't feel it, and if she can't feel it, then she can't truly be sorry, because she can't truly love me. It's become obvious that she only stays with me out of guilt and fear of me killing myself, and she thinks that's proof of her love. She's covince me that she doesn't know what love is, or loyalty for that matter. Even as I sit here waiting for her to speak, she can only puff on her cigarette, mope, and text. Hell, even after I finally started talking to her about it, after two days of calming myself down, all she could do was snap at me for making he feel bad about it, concentrating on her feelings and acting like I'm the bad guy for making her feel that way. Hell, she didn't even say, "I'm sorry", until she found out that I was going to kill myself. All she cares about is her own guilt, which wasn't present until I brought it up. It's such selfish fucking bullshit. Well, she has one hour left. I'm not sure what I'll do after that, but it's now the nineteenth and there's no chance in hell of me falling asleep. She's the only one who can save this relationship, and she's just patiently waiting until it's over. This is it; at one, I'm done. At one, she loses her chance. I'll try to sleep, and wait until she's found a place to stay. I can't keep waiting on someone who doest everything to erase my trust, then doesn't even bother to try and get it back, when I've given them every oppertunity.