Notes to Cindy: The Archives

Well, after forty minutes, she just went to sleep. The thought that she just didn't care about our relationship once again clouded my mind. Thoroughly pissed, I got up, marked out the "Alex & Anya" inscription on our tent, and began writing: "Uneeded, Unwanted, Unloved, Not Worth Fighting For; Live alone, Die alone; Love doesn't exist; Rebel against all, but welcome the end; Life is for the weak; Death awaits us all; Fuck the dream- It's all just fantasy; Trust no one; I pray for death; I cannot fight to stay alive, but I'm too weak to die;" and finally, "4Ever Alone." Then, I went up to Sammy and Halo's ten and talked to them about it all, hoping they could act as a medium. Instead, they just took my side. So much for mediation. As it turns out, when I walked off, Anya began packing, and I saw her lugging her stuff down the trail, I ran after her and tried to convince her to stay, but her friend, Jason, was already on his way. Finally, she decided to give me "one more shot" and took Jason back to his car. After getting all of her things back in the tent, I discovered what she wrote as I marked out what I had written: "You're right. I don't know what love is. I was just giving it another try. We were both wrong. You were never there for me. Cry to THEM." And finally, "I showed you that I love you, but you never did." After she got back, we almost got into the fight all over again, but she cares more about her job than how I feel about it, and I don't want to lose her, so I just have to fucking deal with the fact that she wants to be a porn star and wants to do sexual poses with other guys. "Nothing more than business," she said. I hate it. It goes against everything I've ever felt about love and loyalty, but I don't want to lose her, so I have to fucking suffer, just like she has to suffer in the tent with me. Letting her do this, and staying with her, despite the suffering, is me showing my love to her and my commitment to staying with her. It's fucked up. I hate it. On a brighter note, I have a job interview with Walmart tomorrow, which is good, because moving in with Jasper is no longer an option.