Notes to Cindy: The Archives

Today is set to be busy: a job interview and a Halloween party. Although we have to wake up early this morning, I'm afraid that I cannot sleep. It is neither excitement nor nervousness that feeds my insomnia, but rather fear. The anxiety of Anya cheating on me and flirting with other guys is worse than ever. It doesn't take a genious to figure out that her hunger for attention is not satisfied with just me, and of course, she will lie and make excuses and blame it on my paranoia until she's blue in the face. I'm no idiot; she knows that, but she also knows how desperate I am not to lose her. She might not be the best actor, but she plays the role of the victim very well. I can only imagine how frustrated she feels when I call her out on her god damned bullshit. I'm at a loss for what to do. I love her and I don't want to give her up, but I don't know how much longer I can live under her control. The justification of her disloyalty, the emotional games, the threats to leave... they all have to stop. I'm so sick of her tugging on my heart and my brain. It's obvious, though, that if I ever brought all of this up, her refusal to realize what she is doing would turn into anger which she would use against me. It's no consolation to understand what is going on inside that crooked mind of hers, for it ca never be fixed, except by some life changing event. Would marriage do it? Pregnancy? Probably not, but what do I know? All I know is that this is her reality, and chances are nothing that happens can ever change that. So, what do I do? Do I ignore it and wait until it passes? I already know what suffering that would bring. Do I try to fix it? No, for it is futile. Do I refuse to live with this and let her go? Here, too, I know the suffering. The confusion in my heart is staggering. The thoughts are vivid and refuse to go away. Visions of infedility and fights and heartache race around my head, crashing into each other, providing the sparks that fuel my anxiety, depression, and anger. I grieve for that which I have not yet lost, for I can see the many ways that it can end. To stay, I sacrifice my sanity. To go, I give up the only chance I have left at love. "But, what is love without trust?" I ask. "Eternal Suffering with nothing more than The Illusion of Happiness." And how can one trust when infedlity attacks the heart without mercy or regret? One would have to live in a dream, carefully crafted so that every negative event is met with nonchalance and apathy, pushed aside because it does not fit into this dream, which must become a false reality. How does one accomplish these things? One such as I, with such knowledge and beliefs, cannot. Well, then there are only two options: Live this life of suffering whilst embracing the "happiness," regardless of its fallacy, or to diverge from this path with no idea as to whether happiness could ever truly exist. The unknown is a horrifying thing to ponder, let alone jump into by one's self, and that is the sole factor of this relationship that keeps me holding on. For the first time, I am not alone in my journey through the darkness, and my company, although only a comforting shadow of illusion, is comforting and helpful, nonetheless. Emotion expresses its power the most when logic fails to console the troubled mind, and it is unfortunate that it should burden one this way. The truth is that no matter what road I choose in this life, there will always be suffering, and the best I can do is choose one and stay on it, for no matter how much I hope and pray for true love and happiness down an alternate route, deep inside, I know what awaits. As much as I'd want to, I cannot shut myself inside and escape this cruel world forever. I must eventually face it and do my best to accept it as it is. Although writing all of this doen has done nothing to calm my mind, I must try to rest and hope that this job will serve as a welcoming escape from this desolate life and this burdening relationship.