Notes to Cindy: The Archives

The binding in this thing is barely holding together, due to the pages that have been ripped out of it. This pen is barely writing due to the shortness of ink. My sanity is barely in tact due to paranoia and lack of trust. For the second time in my life, I'm having trouble distinguishing between thought and reality, past and present, lies and truth. For the first time, I understand the impact of lies, deceit, and secrets, on those around a person. I want so badly to trust Anya, but like me, she has two sides. I mentioned this before, in a way she misunderstood in my journals. Those are gone now. Hopelessness has become me. I can't believe anything. I can't believe that things are, will be, or ever have been okay. For all I know, what I'm experiencing isn't even real, just a delusion. Hell, maybe I never left the hospital; or maybe, when I tried to commit myself in October, I succeeded; or maybe, this is reality and I can't cope with not knowing what to believe, because I can't be certain of everything, like I used to. I have no life now, no existence. I have no job, no home, no friends or family, and no means of acquiring my goals. The harder I work to reach my goals, the further out of reach they become. The harder I work to fix this relationship, the more broken it becomes. Arson and "Tamara" have ruined everything. Alex and "Anya" are powerless against them. I thought I'd gotten rid of Arson three years ago, and Anya isn't even aware of her "other half." He's my only means to cope with life right now, so I don't know how to get rid of him again, and Anya seems to need her other half as well. No matter how hard I try to explain everything to Anya, her "other half" makes her deny it all. No matter how much I already understand it, I can't stop it. We are prisoners of our own minds, and our "other halves" are working together to keep us there. I'm scared that they will soon take full control. They are close, considering several incidents we've already encountered. I fear it will always be this way- that it will never change. We're a step away from repeating history and killing each other and/or ourselves. The only question, if it is this way, is how long we must continue to suffer before this happens. I know we can change it if only we could regain control. There does exist a fair measure of free will in a system of predestination. I fucking know this to be true. If only I could get her to understand, give her some sort of proof. But, how can you prove that you have control over fate? For, when you stop things from happening, they've never happened, and when you claim you knew something would happen, everyone knows, because it's already happened. Like so many students before her, she refuses to be enlightened, and therefore cannot accept the truth that is presented to her. Even Lee, who truly understood what was being taught to him, could not be enlightened in the end, because society had its way with him. How do you fill a cup that is already full and refuses to be emptied? Stubborness can be both a virtue and a vice, it would seem. Not even I can empty myself of the past, at least not where Anya is concerned. I can neither forget, nor move on, from the sins we have committed against each other. I've been trying, and I will continue to try, but Arson and "Tamara" are warring against "Anya" and me every step of the way.