Notes to Cindy: The Archives

Well, Anya's gone again. Stupid Tracfone takes off two minutes daily, whether or not I use the stupid thing, so after my and Anya's media splooge the other day, an argument, texts back and forth during her two days off of work at Manual Woodworkers, several brief Facebook checks, a brief conversation between me and Kenny, and me and dad, accidentally leaving the phone connected to the game store, service texts, and one final text from me to Anya, service is gone. Kenny can't pay the Xbox internet fee, so I can't use it to talk to her either. We've watched all of our movies. All of my books are missing. I have nothing to do. I can't even sing, because this house literally makes me sick with cat dander, dust, must, rust, mold, mildew, waste, and probably several other things that I don't even know about. I have a massive creative block, so I still can't write anything other than these journals. Anya texted me back, but I can't read it. It fucken sucks. The only word I can see, is "fucken," which might say, "fucken shit"; "fucken a"; or a number of other exclamations. Honestly, with the way shit has been lately, I wouldn't be surprised if it said, "fucken liar." If that's the case, I'm in for an even longer night than I began with. I need a job. I need eight-ten hours away from the world I'm currently living in. I need order admist the chaos that our lives have become. I need to add purpose back to my life. I need to get out of this house, before I become too sick to cute with over-the-counter medication. I just... really, desperately, need to get my life back in order. I'm gonna watch "The Secret" again to see if I can't gain some hopeful motivation.

I'm currently listening to My Chemical Romance, cleaning while I'm rocking, trying my best to have fun and actually succeeding for once. I'm just happy to have a roof over my head, a girlfriend who loves me enough to persever life with me, and awesome, epic, music to soothe my soul. I'm so glad to finally be smiling without a worry on my own. It's good to find happiness independently. I'm passing time until my beautiful Anya returns. I'm so glad that she has this modeling job. It's helped us so much these past eight months. Our nine month "anniversary" is only five days away. That's three-fourths of a year and, even through the pain, it has been the absolute best year of my life. I look forward to countless more. I'm going to get a job soon. No doubt. I just feel that we're going to be rewarded for our patience and perseverance very soon, and when we are, I'm going to personally make sure we take full advantage of it. I believe that these trials have had a profound effect on our lives. They may have broken us down, but I think that once you've lived with the raw, true, and darkest part of a person soul, it creates a bond that wil last for eternity. We needed to feel hurt and disconnected so that we could truly appreciate what we have with eachother and cherish that so that we may protect it with every fiber of our being. It may be dormant and clouded by fear and doubt in Anya's mind right now, but she's a very internal person when it comes to positive emotions about the present, so it might take some drastic external, circumstancial, changes for her to feel it like I do, but that's okay, because I truly believe and have faith that this day will come sooner than we expect.